I have to strain against the chains of guilt that threaten to choke and squeeze me until I break. My heart requires that I fight the urge to fall and submit. I push against an immovable wall of frustration and heartache, begging my mind to stop alternating between panic and paralysis. Stand tall, hold my head high. Despite the brutal sideswipes and knockout punches life throws in my path. Don't give in to the darkness lurking just below the surface, waiting eagerly to snatch my soul and drown my spirit. Fight the madness. Accept hope. Shut my ears to the lies. Believe in truth. Justice will prevail. Beauty will shine. Light will pierce the never-ending night.
Monday, May 18, 2020
Thursday, May 14, 2020
Mistake or Misconception?
I celebrated my 1 year clean and sober, and was blown away by the journey I traversed to get here. So many decisions, so many mistakes and achievements, so much chaos and serenity... one right after the other. I've laughed and cried, lost friends and gained better relationships, fought and surrendered. Lost who I thought I was and learned who I truly am (and I'm pretty damn awesome, if I do say so myself).
I've heard that mistakes don't define who I am. I disagree. As my best friend, Cassandra, put it, "It's not the mistakes that made me who I am, it's what I've learned from those mistakes." It's true. Mistakes are a matter of perception. One seemingly random decision can affect my entire life. I decide whether that effect is negative or positive, and if I strive to grow from the lessons hidden in every mistake, then the result is always positive.
Losing custody of my kids was the greatest pain I've ever endured, but the blessings behind that pain are immeasurable. The love I have for my babies never lessened; the love I have for myself has flourished. My mistakes forced my hand... I could no longer spend my life detesting who I was and running from my past. I reached a dead end and had to create a new path for myself, one that led to growth and discovery, love and healing.
I've heard that mistakes don't define who I am. I disagree. As my best friend, Cassandra, put it, "It's not the mistakes that made me who I am, it's what I've learned from those mistakes." It's true. Mistakes are a matter of perception. One seemingly random decision can affect my entire life. I decide whether that effect is negative or positive, and if I strive to grow from the lessons hidden in every mistake, then the result is always positive.
Losing custody of my kids was the greatest pain I've ever endured, but the blessings behind that pain are immeasurable. The love I have for my babies never lessened; the love I have for myself has flourished. My mistakes forced my hand... I could no longer spend my life detesting who I was and running from my past. I reached a dead end and had to create a new path for myself, one that led to growth and discovery, love and healing.
Monday, May 4, 2020
Almost My One Year!
A year ago today I did my last line of dope.
A year ago today I was lost without hope.
Last year I was broken and on my way to death.
Today I can say that I cherish every breath.
Yes there's been grief, heartbreak and pain.
But I've made it through with the strength I've gained.
I'm happy today, I'm not all alone.
I have found myself, my heart is now my home.
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