Life's Terms

    "Life on life's terms." One of the basic concepts for recovery, yet my biggest struggle this entire past year of sobriety. Soon as I think I have the hang of it, I discover that I actually don't. There's a line in the AA Big Book on page 417: "Unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes." Sounds easy, right? Change my perspective, change my situation. Just be happy and accept my circumstances, and all will be well? Not exactly. Rather, remind myself that I can and will get through whatever happens with a positive outlook and hopeful mentality. I will trust that there is a Divine Plan, and that everything is as it should be in the current moment. I will replace my anxiety and fear with peace and strength, remaining balanced within my universe.
     My mental health and my recovery are intertwined. One fails, the other is close behind. My heart and mind are broken right now, putting my sobriety at risk. Relapse is the ultimate temptation, a bittersweet escape from the shattered reality I'm trying so desperately to avoid. Breathe. Calm down. It's not worth it. I am worth living. I am worth fighting my inner demons another day. My personal power is my own - why give it to a negative action towards another person or even myself. Let go of what angers me; focus my mind elsewhere, some place that brings me to serenity. I am above the games of aggression and power plays that plagued my substance-riddled past. Forget the past, learn from my previous mistakes and move towards my future. Change the anger, grief and fear that rules me. Replace that negativity with positive affirmations, hope and kindness. Love others, love myself, and surround myself with a blanket of peaceful energy. Simply BE.

Letter to My Daughter

Babygirl, 

    Yesterday I had to face the possibility that I might not get you back.  My darkest nightmare may become my reality.  I'm shattered.  Hollow.  Destroyed.  I feel as if I've lost you forever, my best friend, my little ride or die.  My mind replays memories, overwhelming me with a flood of mental scenes and snippets of past conversations and adventures.  I keep looking around for you, praying I'll wake up.  Where is God in all this???  I cry out, begging Him to answer my pleas of desperation and grief.  I can only imagine how terrified you are, wondering when I'll come back, when you can go home.  I'm trying, I'm fighting with everything I possess.  Don't give up, babygirl, please know that I'm doing anything and everything I can do to get you back in my arms.  I'm nothing without you, you are my world.  God made me your mama, He can't take you away from me now, not after everything we've been through.  You've been my light, my inspiration for strength... you showed me the love and beauty in this world, the hope that is always possible.  I love you with everything that I am, my Joyce, to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond.  

                                                                                            Love, Mommy

Seek the Light

I have to strain against the chains of guilt that threaten to choke and squeeze me until I break. My heart requires that I fight the urge to fall and submit. I push against an immovable wall of frustration and heartache, begging my mind to stop alternating between panic and paralysis. Stand tall, hold my head high. Despite the brutal sideswipes and knockout punches life throws in my path. Don't give in to the darkness lurking just below the surface, waiting eagerly to snatch my soul and drown my spirit. Fight the madness. Accept hope. Shut my ears to the lies. Believe in truth. Justice will prevail. Beauty will shine. Light will pierce the never-ending night. 

Mistake or Misconception?

       I celebrated my 1 year clean and sober, and was blown away by the journey I traversed to get here.  So many decisions, so many mistakes and achievements, so much chaos and serenity... one right after the other.  I've laughed and cried, lost friends and gained better relationships, fought and surrendered.  Lost who I thought I was and learned who I truly am (and I'm pretty damn awesome, if I do say so myself). 
       I've heard that mistakes don't define who I am.  I disagree. As my best friend, Cassandra, put it, "It's not the mistakes that made me who I am, it's what I've learned from those mistakes."  It's true.  Mistakes are a matter of perception.  One seemingly random decision can affect my entire life.  I decide whether that effect is negative or positive, and if I strive to grow from the lessons hidden in every mistake, then the result is always positive.  
       Losing custody of my kids was the greatest pain I've ever endured, but the blessings behind that pain are immeasurable.  The love I have for my babies never lessened; the love I have for myself has flourished.  My mistakes forced my hand... I could no longer spend my life detesting who I was and running from my past.  I reached a dead end and had to create a new path for myself, one that led to growth and discovery, love and healing.  

Almost My One Year!

A year ago today I did my last line of dope.

A year ago today I was lost without hope.

Last year I was broken and on my way to death.

Today I can say that I cherish every breath.

Yes there's been grief, heartbreak and pain.

But I've made it through with the strength I've gained.

I'm happy today, I'm not all alone.

I have found myself, my heart is now my home.

Be Me Today

Letting go of self-will brings me the opportunity for more control in my life.  Live and let live.  Be who I am, no mask.  Let go of my fear, my anger, my grief and pain.  Embrace adventure, joy, peace and the unknown.  I fear powerlessness.  When I feel powerless, I attempt to control other things in my life: taking my medications, having sex, rebelling against authority figures, or making everyone around me laugh.  My thinking errors will be my downfall if I don't reign them in.  Focus on uplifting others, be grateful, seek out the positive aspects of my life.  Stay out of my head; don't allow my feelings to overrule the facts.  Every day is simply just a day like any other.  Time passes, and an eternity quickly becomes the tomorrow I prayed for.  Be proud of who I am today.  I am who I am because of who I was.  I will be who I become because of who I am today.  Any pain experienced now will simply become a memory of strength and endurance.