Bliss

 Those rare moments in time when my happiness is so exponentially compounded that nothing could interfere with it.  Those moments when I'm unafraid of absolute serenity, because I no longer feel unworthy.  Those moments make life good enough to keep going... death seems that much less appealing.

Those quiet moments, when a breath is the most beautiful sound in the world, an outstretched hand speaks the loudest command.  Those moments when my heartbeat is all I hear inside my head.  Sweet silence!  The past does not haunt me, the future no longer scares me.  The present moment defies any other potential possibility... it simply IS.  This one infinite piece of time and space becomes quintessential perfection.  The most incredible demonstration of hallelujah that I've ever felt. 

Life's Terms

    "Life on life's terms." One of the basic concepts for recovery, yet my biggest struggle this entire past year of sobriety. Soon as I think I have the hang of it, I discover that I actually don't. There's a line in the AA Big Book on page 417: "Unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes." Sounds easy, right? Change my perspective, change my situation. Just be happy and accept my circumstances, and all will be well? Not exactly. Rather, remind myself that I can and will get through whatever happens with a positive outlook and hopeful mentality. I will trust that there is a Divine Plan, and that everything is as it should be in the current moment. I will replace my anxiety and fear with peace and strength, remaining balanced within my universe.
     My mental health and my recovery are intertwined. One fails, the other is close behind. My heart and mind are broken right now, putting my sobriety at risk. Relapse is the ultimate temptation, a bittersweet escape from the shattered reality I'm trying so desperately to avoid. Breathe. Calm down. It's not worth it. I am worth living. I am worth fighting my inner demons another day. My personal power is my own - why give it to a negative action towards another person or even myself. Let go of what angers me; focus my mind elsewhere, some place that brings me to serenity. I am above the games of aggression and power plays that plagued my substance-riddled past. Forget the past, learn from my previous mistakes and move towards my future. Change the anger, grief and fear that rules me. Replace that negativity with positive affirmations, hope and kindness. Love others, love myself, and surround myself with a blanket of peaceful energy. Simply BE.

Letter to My Daughter

Babygirl, 

    Yesterday I had to face the possibility that I might not get you back.  My darkest nightmare may become my reality.  I'm shattered.  Hollow.  Destroyed.  I feel as if I've lost you forever, my best friend, my little ride or die.  My mind replays memories, overwhelming me with a flood of mental scenes and snippets of past conversations and adventures.  I keep looking around for you, praying I'll wake up.  Where is God in all this???  I cry out, begging Him to answer my pleas of desperation and grief.  I can only imagine how terrified you are, wondering when I'll come back, when you can go home.  I'm trying, I'm fighting with everything I possess.  Don't give up, babygirl, please know that I'm doing anything and everything I can do to get you back in my arms.  I'm nothing without you, you are my world.  God made me your mama, He can't take you away from me now, not after everything we've been through.  You've been my light, my inspiration for strength... you showed me the love and beauty in this world, the hope that is always possible.  I love you with everything that I am, my Joyce, to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond.  

                                                                                            Love, Mommy