Mistake or Misconception?

       I celebrated my 1 year clean and sober, and was blown away by the journey I traversed to get here.  So many decisions, so many mistakes and achievements, so much chaos and serenity... one right after the other.  I've laughed and cried, lost friends and gained better relationships, fought and surrendered.  Lost who I thought I was and learned who I truly am (and I'm pretty damn awesome, if I do say so myself). 
       I've heard that mistakes don't define who I am.  I disagree. As my best friend, Cassandra, put it, "It's not the mistakes that made me who I am, it's what I've learned from those mistakes."  It's true.  Mistakes are a matter of perception.  One seemingly random decision can affect my entire life.  I decide whether that effect is negative or positive, and if I strive to grow from the lessons hidden in every mistake, then the result is always positive.  
       Losing custody of my kids was the greatest pain I've ever endured, but the blessings behind that pain are immeasurable.  The love I have for my babies never lessened; the love I have for myself has flourished.  My mistakes forced my hand... I could no longer spend my life detesting who I was and running from my past.  I reached a dead end and had to create a new path for myself, one that led to growth and discovery, love and healing.  

Almost My One Year!

A year ago today I did my last line of dope.

A year ago today I was lost without hope.

Last year I was broken and on my way to death.

Today I can say that I cherish every breath.

Yes there's been grief, heartbreak and pain.

But I've made it through with the strength I've gained.

I'm happy today, I'm not all alone.

I have found myself, my heart is now my home.

Be Me Today

Letting go of self-will brings me the opportunity for more control in my life.  Live and let live.  Be who I am, no mask.  Let go of my fear, my anger, my grief and pain.  Embrace adventure, joy, peace and the unknown.  I fear powerlessness.  When I feel powerless, I attempt to control other things in my life: taking my medications, having sex, rebelling against authority figures, or making everyone around me laugh.  My thinking errors will be my downfall if I don't reign them in.  Focus on uplifting others, be grateful, seek out the positive aspects of my life.  Stay out of my head; don't allow my feelings to overrule the facts.  Every day is simply just a day like any other.  Time passes, and an eternity quickly becomes the tomorrow I prayed for.  Be proud of who I am today.  I am who I am because of who I was.  I will be who I become because of who I am today.  Any pain experienced now will simply become a memory of strength and endurance.